I’ve been making a full recovery since my emergency brain surgery NYE after an aneurysm ruptured in my brain. I was finishing off a few things before heading to my folks to build a mini greenhouse for the tomato’s I had growing out the back of their place. After that we had planned to go see the local 9 o’clock fireworks. I had planned to drop into my neighbours for a celebration drink or two, but everything was looking fairly low key from some of the parties I had been to over recent years, where I have practiced sensible levels of intoxication.
I got to say, I have thought if things had gone much different, that is if I had been away or turned over to sleep it off on the couch, would I still be here ? I remember laying there in the hospital bed feeling like I had been ejected to the bowels of the universe. Then I started to add it all up. How things had gone…. Bottom line is, the ticking time bomb that was in my head that I didn’t know about has been repaired and I’m on track for a full recovery. Thanks to circumstance, humanity and good people around me I was in an ambulance heading to the hospital for life saving surgery in no time.
My folks have been settling into age care. It’s a pretty good place and a whole lot better than the places I had seen 30 odd years ago. When we talk about it they understand what’s going on, but then sometimes I will get there and mum will be like, ok you got the car ? let’s head home. It’s been a big challenge. I’m still breaking down the determination to bring them home, but they’ve got room to walk and are taken care of. I still get the urge,… bugger this I’m taking them home, which makes it really difficult to sort through their things, but I’m coming to surrender. I’ve pushed myself to the limits and I don’t think I can continue to keep them safe at home. Cognitive decline can be progressive and I can’t be there 24 hours. But it’s a difficult realisation.
I’ve started going through their stuff. I’ve inherited more dvd’s than I had before and I’m keeping some of the cd’s. it’s been a pretty cool journey to discover some of the old names of music while caring for them. Artist’s and musicians such as Connie Francis, Tammy Wynette, Kenny Rogers, Neil Diamond and Jim Reeves. It’s also been good rediscovering artists such as ABBA, Dolly Parton and Elvis, but I still don’t know who Demis Roussos is despite knowing his name for pretty much my whole life. We never got to view Andrei Rublev. A movie recommended as a classic that I originally got in a box set for my grandfather but decided it was probably a little heavy for him at the time.
It’s been difficult getting through this by myself. I’ve had some good friends around and have learnt the value of having someone to go for a coffee with. I’ve been sorting through old records, and as difficult as it is, I’m grateful for my time alone to sort through these things. I’ve read accounts of my grandparents time in forced labour during the second world war, found out a few extra things about what my own family had been through, and read the coroners report of my fathers death for the first time.
I don’t know how they did it. I don’t know how my folks raised me in the way they did with all the pressures on them. How they managed to keep a stable and peaceful household, especially with my own carry on as a teenager. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve put plenty of effort and contribution in over the years. Cutting and splitting firewood, general property work, help with moving house, car repairs, gearboxes, steering replacement, timing belts, servicing, brakes etc. And just simply just making time for a coffee, conversation and helping with meals.
We lived a life of financial strain, I knew that. It wasn’t from lack of effort, but things just never clicked into place. Mum had bought her first block of land at 21 and after selling that purchased a home to raise her family in. Soon after I was born she was widowed. When i was twelve we lost our house and property after the bank had messed up the insurance policy when our family house burnt down. The bank had insisted when re mortgaging that we re insure with their provider, but they didn’t mirror the policy and barley made any policy at all. When my parents questioned the change over policy we received, the bank wouldn’t cover the cost or offer an overdraft to upgrade the insured sum or cover contents as the previous policy had been. We had just missed out on a real estate commission for a 12 million dollar sale at the entry to the financial recession, closing the office and leaving us pretty well broke. Ignoring my old man’s advise about the market the guy ended up loosing millions for the sake of bugger all, and we lost everything. After that we lost the cars, and my folks never got back on their feet. I always thought it had something to do with the path of life that i had chosen. And you know what, the both of them would have sacrificed that financial stability for my learning.
My heart keeps breaking. Between the surgery and a grace period from my age careers pension I have a few months to clear out their belongings and hand the house back before I’m back looking for work. The first month has gone sorting paper work and settling them in, and i’m still scatted from surgery and the depths of writing. I see them everyday, but I’m having to treat their home and belongings as if they’ve passed. There is so much memory in these things. Some can go no problems, but there’s a few things that I just don’t know how to find room for. One of the strangest things is what to do with the dishes and cutlery. The ones we’ve used for twenty or thirty years. What do you do with that stuff ? I guess we lost everything before, and we continued. But back then, I had them.
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